Survive and Advance

Remember the 1983 National Champion NCState Wolfpack (Photo credit: E. A. Sanabria)

It’s almost the end of April, and March Madness is now well behind us. I was so inspired by watching “Survive and Advance” on ESPN last month that I can’t resist writing about it. I watched it again today, and now I am ready to put my thoughts into words.

“Survive and Advance” is one episode in ESPN’s 30 for 30 series, and it is about NC State’s NCAA basketball 1983 championship season led by Jimmy Valvano. While some may say I am not exactly a “true” basketball fan, I AM a fan of a great story, and the 1983 season was exactly that. Some say it is one of the greatest sports stories of all time.

Growing up in Charlotte, NC in the 70′s and 80′s, I couldn’t help but become a fan of ACC basketball. This was the era of Michael Jordan & Dean Smith at UNC, Jimmy Valvano at NC State, Coach K at Duke…a time when players stayed in school until graduation. This was the most amazing era of college basketball in my lifetime, and it was taking place all around me in North Carolina.

Watching “Survive and Advance” was both nostalgic and inspiring for me. When I was in fifth grade in 1983, I had no idea of the significance of what happened…but watching this documentary helped me to realize the impact of that season. Even the title alone, “Survive and Advance,” is inspiring. In those three little words, he summarized everything I was trying to say in my post “Onward,” about forward progress.

Here are some of my musings after watching “Survive and Advance” for the second time.

The power of having a dream:

On Day 1 of Jimmy Valvano’s time at NC State, he told his team “I know I am going to win a national championship.” It took him a few years before he did exactly that. His 1983 team spoke of him as a dreamer, a dreamer with a real vision of what he wanted to achieve, and the ability to paint the picture for the rest them so that they felt it was achievable.

“How do you go from where you are to where you want to be? I think you have to have an enthusiasm for life. You have to have a dream, a goal, and you have to be willing to work for it.” – Jim Valvano

The importance of practice:

Each season, Valvano would have his team practice cutting down the net as if they had won the National Championship. Over and over again. This is not a normal kind of practice. This is beyond practicing the fundamentals. This is practicing being a WINNER, being a CHAMPION…so that when the team ended up on the brink, they could shake off their nerves because they already knew what it felt like to win.

The love of family:

If you have ever seen even a 30 second video of Jimmy Valvano, you know he was a passionate, Italian, family man with a large, passionate, Italian family. He credited his father for his success, saying:

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.” – Jim Valvano

The power of emotion:

I don’t know any man or woman that has watched Jimmy Valvano’s ESPY acceptance speech without shedding a few tears. If you haven’t seen it, please take a few minutes to click this link and watch it start to finish. If you have seen it, watch it again. It is worth it. My favorite Jimmy V quote is from this speech, and since seeing it again recently, I think about this almost every day. While battling terminal cancer with just a very short time to live, Jimmy V expressed himself as passionately and eloquently as ever before. I want to feel things as deeply and passionately about my life that Jimmy V felt about his, and his speech inspires me to this day.

“To me, there are three things we all should do every day. We should do this every day of our lives. Number one is laugh. You should laugh every day. Number two is think. You should spend some time in thought. And number three is, you should have your emotions moved to tears, could be happiness or joy. But think about it. If you laugh, you think, and you cry, that’s a full day. That’s a heck of a day. You do that seven days a week, you’re going to have something special.” – Jim Valvano

So, “survive and advance” everyone.

Keep moving forward.

Laugh, think and cry. Every day.

Dream big.

Practice.

Love your family, and hold them close to your hearts.

On a Mission

Buying my house was a big decision for me – the biggest I have ever made on my own. When I sold my previous house last spring I seriously considered moving to a larger city – or leaving it all and moving to Tuscany…or the Piedmont region of Italy…too many episodes of House Hunters International I suppose.

After some serious soul searching, I decided to plant some roots again here in the Lowcountry. I just couldn’t bring myself to leave my friends and family, and the beauty of this place…just for another step in my career, and the potential for a better singles scene? I dug deep to think about what was important to me – and came to the conclusion that I wanted a real “nest” for the family I would like to build.

I was mortgage free for about a month – and here I am eight months later!

I have been busy “pinning” ideas, reading decorating books like “The Things that Matter” by Nate Berkus, and reading articles – planning for how I want to decorate and fix up my house. Believe me, this house that I love did not have anyone to really love it before me. I find evidence of this every day.

Recently, I came across a great article on Houzz about decorating with intention by creating a mission statement for my house – right up my alley!

I went through the entire mission statement exercise, and this is what I came up with:

“My home is an inviting, energizing, rustic sanctuary where creativity lives and breathes. It is a place where my family and friends gather for warmth, love, connection, fun, peace, and nourishment.”

-Laurie Sessa

Doesn’t that make you want to visit? I sure hope so.

I love the idea of having this mission statement to guide me in my decorating/design decisions. It really simplifies things and keeps me focused. Which is another way of saying, it stops me from buying stupid things. Rather, I am making decisions with purpose and intention…making choices that are tied to my values.

My house isn’t close to there yet – but I sure am working on it. Fueled by my tax return check, I just finished redecorating my bedroom and bathroom, and did a few other things in and around the house.  If you have been reading, you know that I am not exactly handy. I hired some professional help, bribed my dad to do a few small projects, and handled some things on my own (shopping and painting are skills I like to use).

Here are a few examples of what I did – and how it ties to my “mission.”

This is my new chandelier in my dining room. I love the quatrefoil shape, and the weathered look. This is one of those precious things that will stand the test of time. If/when I move – this DOES NOT convey!

New chandelier for my dining room.

This flag was given to me by my very close friends, Mary and Brian, and was flown over Bagram Air Base in Afghanistan on July 28th, 2012. I know this because Brian is a Major in the Air Force, and he gave me this flag along with a certificate after his deployment in Afghanistan. Don’t worry, thanks to Mary, I know and practice flag etiquette. When I raise my Notre Dame flag on occasion, I will properly take down and fold my American flag and store it safely.

Flown over Bagram Air Base, Afghanistan, July 28th, 2012

This is my new mosaic mirror. I love mosaics. There is something about making beauty out of chaos that I find appealing. If you look closely in the reflection, you will see Animal and a very small penguin collection. And a glass wine jug filled with yellow forsythia. On my dresser you will see just a few of my accessories and pictures with friends. These are just a few of my favorite things.

Mosiac mirror. LOVE. With some awesome things in the reflection.

I guess I should have taken a before picture of my bedroom so you can really understand the dramatic difference here. But I didn’t because I would like to erase the “before” from my memory. Rest assured (as I do now) that this room is now full of light, serenity, and style.

Updated bedroom with new chair, curtains, walls, ceiling, fan, and bedding.

My mom gave me this vase a few years ago – it spells the word “LOVE.” Every week I buy fresh flowers (most of the time yellow flowers) to fill it. Until a few weeks ago, I had very strange “awnings” covering the windows on the back of my house including this bay window in my kitchen. Those awnings are now gone, and natural light now streams into my kitchen and sun room.

LOVE my vase and fresh yellow flowers.

That is all for now. Mostly because that is all I can afford to do for now. And because now I have a mission that will help me be deliberate and intentional with my choices…which will naturally slow me down.

Built-ins for my books and desk are on the horizon…stay tuned!

Let it Be…

Sometimes I think God speaks to me through my car radio. Not in a creepy booming voice kind of way…it’s just that sometimes the perfect song plays at the time I need it the most. This has happened to me more than a few times – at either incredibly painful or joyous times…these songs and the way they made me feel have become defining moments for me.

I have been wrestling with a lot of questions lately – a lot of uncertainty. This is not a comfortable place for me, but I am working hard to stay vulnerable – to be conscious of my feelings, to be deliberate in my actions…to resist fear and take risks. Trying to adopt requires this… some days it is easy, and some days it is hard.

My big question lately is when does it make sense to let go, and when does it make sense to dig deep? I really struggle with this – I do not have a clear answer. I don’t think there is an answer because I think the answer changes moment to moment for me. Sometimes I want to let go of the angst, the uncertainty and to just let the inevitable happen. Most of the time, I don’t know how to actually do that. Other times I feel I need to dig deep and try harder. And much of the time I am not sure what to do. Sometimes I think I need to do both at the same time – let go AND dig deep. Ugh! Can you feel the tension?

Tonight I was driving home, lost in my thoughts on a tough day. I turned on the radio, and the very beginning of the Beatles “Let it Be” came on. Ahhhh… I immediately felt better. What a lovely song:

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
And in my hour of darkness she is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the broken hearted people living in the world agree
There will be an answer, let it be
For though they may be parted, there is still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

And when the night is cloudy there is still a light that shines on me
Shine until tomorrow, let it be
I wake up to the sound of music, Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
There will be an answer, let it be
Let it be, let it be, let it be, yeah, let it be
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be

The perfect song for the perfect moment. Again. God speaking to me through my car radio.

So next time I struggle with this question (which is likely to be tomorrow) I’ll remember how peaceful I felt on my drive home tonight. I’ll try to “let it be” in that moment…

An Attitude of Gratitude

It’s Sunday morning, a time I like to reflect and write…and as I start this, I am not quite sure where it’s going to go.

I think I will start with gratitude and faith today – something that I rarely write about.

“Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.”
― Marcel Proust

Since I wrote my New Year’s post last month (Onward), I have heard from many friends, family, coworkers, and strangers who shared words of encouragement, and in many cases their own stories of heartache and joy. I am deeply touched that some said my post helped them in some way. That is why I write this blog – and I am so blessed to feel I was able to connect and help someone else.

Thank you to everyone who reads this. Thank you to the people who feel compelled to share your own pains, struggles, and joys with me. It means more to mean that you will ever know.

Last week, I had 150 nuns along with a Mormon temple praying for me, as well as many family and friends (my faith is not bound by my religion…but my religion is part of my faith if that makes any sense). I had a friend light a candle at the Grotto at Notre Dame for me. And I got to visit with my real live guardian angel, Anna Lee Crumpton, yesterday. How lucky am I?

Anna Lee is my friend Tiffany’s mother in law. I met her when Tiffany married her husband John a few years ago. I feel that Anna Lee is a guardian angel because since I met her a few years ago, I instantly felt a spiritual connection to her. Anna Lee always tells me how she prays for me (as she does for many of my friends too). She is certain that God has a plan for me – that my journey will completely make sense to me. I always feel better after spending some time with her, because she is such an inspiration to me and to people who know her.

Anna Lee has been fighting cancer for some time, but you would never know by talking to her. She emanates joy, grace, and peacefulness, which comes directly from her faith. She is one of those people who walks the walk. Tiffany and John brought Anna Lee over to see my new house yesterday, and we shared a bottle of Prosecco and visited for a little while. When we spoke about her most recent treatment, she shared a funny story about how her granddaughter Tristen went to chemo with her…and how they watched their favorite TV show and laughed their way through. Laughing through chemo? Wow – she is something else!

When Anna Lee left my house, we promised to pray for each other like we always do. She asked that when I pray for her, that I express her gratitude since she has everything she needs. Wow. Since yesterday, I have been thinking about that, and am trying to learn from her example.

Anna Lee is in the middle. This was taken a year ago. These are just a few of the people she prays for!

My journey continues to be unpredictable and challenging, but today, I feel peaceful because of the support I feel from my “village”, and from the faith I share with them. I don’t have any more answers than I did a few weeks ago, but I feel stronger.

Gratitude is powerful. I know most of us know this…and yet it is so easy to forget or ignore. But it is impossible to ignore with people like Anna Lee in my life. Today I am grateful!

Who Needs a Pep Talk (besides me)?

Anyone else out there relieved that January is over? I am. I can speak for me and for many of my friends that it’s been a rough start to 2013. I woke up yesterday morning, February 1st, feeling like it was New Year’s Day all over again. I felt glad to put January behind me, and felt like it was another new beginning – another chance to start the year.

I am not writing this to mope about how awful January was. It was. It could have been worse, but it still sucked. I want to simply acknowledge that it was, and put it behind me – behind all of us that had a similarly rough month. I am writing this because I want to dig deep for the energy it takes to stay hopeful in the face of what life throws at us – find the motivation I need to begin again with renewed energy.

I came across this short youtube video this week and finally watched it yesterday. If you saw my post on Facebook, you already know I feel it was the best 3 minutes and 28 seconds of my 2013. Especially since my 2013 just started yesterday. This little guy who calls himself Kid President gave me the best pep talk I have ever heard:

The cynical part of me knows that someone else wrote this..and edited the heck out of it to make it funny. But guess what, I don’t care because it’s hilarious and what this little guy says is true, and it was exactly the kick in the pants I need.

He says it much better than I can! Here is how I apply it to my life. Not quite as funny, but the point in doing this is to figure out how this helps me. Maybe it helps you too in some way in case you also need a kick in the pants.

Kid President: “The world needs you. Stop being boring.”

Me: Take risks. Be daring. Make choices. Remember doing nothing is still a choice. I want to make an impact – to make a difference.

Kid President: “Life is not a game people…but if life WAS a game, aren’t we all on the same team? I’m on your team. Be on my team!”

Me: Life is too short and is wasted the more I just sit here on the sidelines. Find the people who give me energy and avoid the energy suckers. A rising tide lifts all boats!

Kid President: “A Poem. Two roads diverged in the woods, and I took the road less traveled. And it hurt, man! Really bad!…Not cool Robert Frost.”

Me: Sometimes the choice I make hurts. A lot.

Kid President: “But what if there really were two paths…I want to be on the one that leads to awesome!”

Me: I’ll never know what awesome is until I make a choice to go down one path or another. Hopefully on the other side of pain is something awesome. Like Space Jam.

Kid President: “What will be your Space Jam? What will you create that will make the world awesome? Nothing if you keep sitting there.”

Me: Nothing is going to happen unless I get off of my a$$. My Space Jam is ahead of me. I need to take some action to make it happen.

Kid President: “This is your time. This is my time. This is our time. We can make every day better for each other. If we are all on the same team, we should start acting like it.”

Me: Sounds a little like Mr. Hand…but I digress. I believe that the Golden Rule is the most important life principle ever. I believe that we get what we give, aka cosmic karma. Let’s stop arguing with each other. This is why I don’t watch Fox News EVER.

Kid President: “We got work to do. We can cry about it, or we can dance about it.”

Me: We can mope or we can have fun. I am pretty sure if Kid President were here right now, I would be dancing with him.

Kid President: “You’ve just been pep talked. Create something that will make the world awesome.”

Thanks Kid President! I’ll watch this anytime I need a chuckle, and a kick in the pants. Now I am going to post this and get going!

Onward

“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” – Steve Jobs

My New Year’s post is a little belated this year. The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me…marked by the tragedy in Newtown, the holidays, the sad news about the Russian adoption ban, attending a close friend’s mother’s funeral, and then the excitement of attending the Notre Dame/Alabama National Championship game. The game (painful as it was to watch), gave me some ideas of how to articulate my thoughts and feelings about the start of 2013, and where I am in my own personal journey.

The day after the game, the University of Notre Dame posted this on their Facebook page: “Thanks to Notre Dame Football for an outstanding season. It’s been quite a ride. Onward.” That summed up exactly how I feel – about the game, and about my life. Of course I was disappointed at how Notre Dame played, and I had wished for a different outcome. But, overall, I appreciated how amazing the season was, appreciated feeling the excitement building each week, and appreciated the opportunity to be at the Championship game, win or loss. At the end of this crazy season, despite the whooping by Alabama, Notre Dame football is better off than they were a year ago, and that is “forward progress.”

I love this concept of the “forward progress” rule in football. My loose definition is this: no matter how far the runner or receiver is pushed back by his defenders, forward progress means the ball is placed at the best possible spot – the furthest point he was able to make it before going down or out of bounds. Even if he is pushed back 10 – even 20+ yards…WAY behind the line of scrimmage, the refs pick that ball up and put it back down at the best possible spot, and the next play begins.

Now this is where I get serious…because this post in NOT about Notre Dame football. I want my life to work like the forward progress rule! And I think it can if only I can see it that way. As a concept, forward progress sounds so much better to me than the idea of “starting over.” Who wants to go all the way back to the beginning just to cover all of the same ground again? How exhausting. Not me – I want to KEEP MOVING, to figure out what I need to learn from what just happened by healing, learning, making my adjustments, and moving forward.

A few weeks ago, I was devastated by the news that Russian President Putin signed an adoption ban, no longer allowing US residents to adopt children from Russia. You see, after a long discernment process of over a year, adopting a 2-3 year old from Russia had become my “plan”. I had completed my home study this fall, and was ready to submit my application to US Immigration, only to find out a few days after Christmas that this was no longer going to be an option for me. My heart literally ached (and still does) for the 650,000 children in orphanages or foster care in Russia, and every day I pray for the 50+ families that have already been placed with their children, that they are able to complete their adoptions and take their children home. That said, I have been thinking nonstop about what happened, and trying to figure out what to do and how to move forward without having to start over from the beginning.

I don’t make decisions like this easily or quickly, and when first hearing the news about the ban, I truly felt like I had wasted over a year of my life. I felt emotionally drained, feeling like I had to go back to be the start. I felt lost and overwhelmed. Remember how mad you would get playing Chutes and Ladders or Candy Land (or Uncle Wiggly for the board game fanatics out there that can remember that one)? The end of the game is in sight, and on the last roll, you end up on that awful spot that makes you have to move back all the way back to the start.

Well, I felt like that but a whole lot worse. Life is a lot more complicated and emotional than a board game. Once again, I had to give up on the vision I made in my mind of what I had expected to happen. I had to process the loss I was feeling. I had to admit that despite every effort I had been making to have control over the process, I actually had no control. Having children, like life in general, is not geometry – there is no such thing as a straight line being the shortest distance between two points. That is not how life works.

In our own ways, we are trying our best to move the ball forward, to get to the goal line whatever that may be. We all have incredibly squiggly lines on our journeys, don’t we? At this point, my path has zigged and zagged all over the place. There are so many obstacles in our way – and sometimes we have to run out of bounds to avoid getting clobbered. Sometimes we actually get clobbered, and have to get back up, wounded and sore, take time to heal, breathe deep, and get back on the field. We take our lessons learned with us. We take the memories of those that we lost with us. We cope, heal, and start to realize that we are better people because of those lessons learned, and because we were loved by the ones we have lost.

This is my most recent picture of the Notre Dame Grotto, one of the most beautiful, peaceful places on Earth. The Grotto gives me a great deal of comfort at times like these.

I love the idea of picking up the ball and placing in at the best spot, and NOT going back to the start. Instead of starting over at square one in my journey to motherhood, I realize now that I have gathered a great deal of knowledge about adoption that I didn’t have a year ago. I have met some amazing people, have made new connections, and have been “practicing” my risk taking abilities. I know myself better. I am continuing to try to embrace vulnerability as a strength, not as a weakness. I have dipped my toe into the “arena” (remember my reference Teddy Roosevelt’s Man in the Arena speech from my post “One Year Later), and now realize I am ready to step in with both feet firmly on the ground.

I have the courage to tell the “world” out there my story, not just my closest friends. I did NOT have that a year ago. That is forward progress.

Onward 2013.

A Heavy Heart

Today is such a sad day. What happened in Newtown today is truly unimaginable. I made it through the rest of my work day, and when I came home from work, I tried to create some peace by turning my Christmas lights on, and lighting a few candles, but I turned on the news and could only watch for about 20 minutes. Eventually, I decided to sit at my computer and try to articulate some of the thoughts and feelings flying around in my head and my heart. I am finding myself trying to balance between surrendering to the deep feelings of sadness and trying to go about my business, resisting wallowing. Neither feels like a healthy choice.

It is deeply troubling to me and many others that these tragedies not only keep happening, but seem to be getting worse. How is that even possible?? What kind of evil would do this to the most innocent, vulnerable humans on earth – young children??  The noise of the endless, constant, media coverage, the Facebook and Twitter messages blasting politicians and the NRA keep coming at me…so I had to turn all of it off to sit and think…and feel.

I rarely watch Oprah’s shows these days, but last Sunday, one of them caught my eye since she was to interview Elie Wiesel about his new book, “Open Heart.” After watching it, I immediately picked the book up the very next day, and finished it in just a few days. For those of you who aren’t familiar with Wiesel, he is a Holocaust survivor, philosopher, professor, writer, (best known for his memoir of the Holocaust called “Night”) Nobel Peace Price winner, and founder of The Elie Wiesel Foundation for Humanity.

Just like when I read “Night” a long time ago, his words in “Open Heart”, though haunting, also comforted me when I reread some of it tonight. Here is my favorite excerpt:

“Was it yesterday – or long ago – that we learned how human beings have been able to attain perfection in cruelty? That for the killers, the torturers, it is normal, thus human, to act inhumanely? Should one therefore turn away from humanity?

The answer of course is up to each one of us. We must choose between the violence of adults and the smiles of children, between the ugliness of hate and the will to oppose it. Between inflicting suffering and humiliation on our fellow man and offering him the solidarity and hope he deserves. Or not.

I know – I speak from experience – that even in darkness it is possible to create light and encourage compassion. That it is possible to feel free inside a prison…

There it is: I still believe in man in spite of man.”

What happened today is completely overwhelming and can seem utterly, depressingly, hopeless. There are no answers for all of the questions that we have today. But even though it is so painful, we can’t let ourselves become numb to these tragedies that are happening too often. And when we let ourselves feel this pain, we must try to not surrender to despair.

In his interview, Wiesel says that while the world may never learn from the past, each of us as individuals can – and THAT is what matters. The question is not whether humanity will evolve, but will WE as individuals?

So today I am so very sad. My heart literally hurts for the Newtown community, and for everyone affected by what happened today. And I think it is so important to feel the sadness – to name it – and for me to write or talk about it in order to process it. I want to caution us to not brush over what happened and become numb.

Each one of us has an impact in the world we live in – whether within our families, our communities or on a larger platform. In that, we have power and influence. We don’t have to surrender to despair and hopelessness.

I saw a lot of evidence today of people hugging their kids, expressing gratitude for their them and for their teachers. I saw people recognizing healthy doses of perspective. I saw outpourings of prayers for the Newtown community, and for those affected by similar events in the past. One person at a time, we can make a difference – and in that may lie some of the answers we are looking for.

“Think higher. Feel deeper.” – Elie Wiesel