(Could it be) The End of the World (as We Know It)?

I watched the 3rd and final debate last night and I have something to say and it is this:

Donald Trump is a serious threat to our democracy.

When I heard Trump say that he would “keep us in suspense” rather than agreeing to accept the election results, I was horrified – terrified – and pissed off. The peaceful transfer of power in our country is the bedrock of our democracy. I cannot watch Trump take a sledgehammer to our country’s foundation without speaking up. I have voted in every election since I was old enough to vote. I have voted for Democrats and Republicans. Some have won, and some have lost. Each time I watch the inauguration, I pay attention to the outgoing president shaking hands with the incoming president on the steps of the White House to welcome the first family “home” -to the people’s house – the White House.  This is my favorite moment of each inauguration, and I get goose bumps of patriotism each and every time without fail.

Trump’s recent tirade about the notion of a “rigged” election, paired with his answer in the debate last night, are damaging America and its citizens by inciting people to consider some pretty radical and dangerous ideas. Take a few minutes and watch this clip from CNN showing Dan Bowman, a Trump supporter discussing “taking out” Hilary Clinton or a staging a coup of our government if she wins. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5H5EsG5Ebls

Divisive is not a strong enough word to describe this rhetoric.


I decided that I would not vote for Trump last November when I saw him mock Serge Kovlaski, the disabled reporter that Trump had clearly known – and in my opinion – clearly imitated and ridiculed at a campaign rally. This example of his inability and unwillingness to own his actions and their consequences was enough of a leadership flaw for me – and that was 11 months ago! The list of transgressions since last November is long. He has insulted so many groups of people for so many different reasons that I will not list here. That is not what I want to focus on. It’s so very clear that he will not stop on his own volition, and I don’t want to waste my time and energy on him any more than I have to.

What I DO want to focus on – is what I can do – and what WE can do as individuals to make a difference.

It is up to us as to make the madness stop.

How you ask?

  1. Vote. Each and every vote matters. Anyone who lived through the Bush/Gore election knows this. Make your voice heard.
  2. Accept today’s reality. The reality today is that our options stink. The die has been cast in this election and these are the options. Pick the lesser of the evils and do the best you can for America. It matters!!
  3. Speak up! Too often, I have been quiet about issues involving racism, gender inequality, LGBT discrimination, gun control – issues that seem may seem political but to me are about human decency, dignity, and unity. To me – this transcends politics, so I won’t be afraid to speak my mind, share my feelings, and be open to having difficult conversations in order to effect positive change in my community, my country and the world we live in. I am encouraged when I see people standing up for kindness. Photos like this give me hope (posted today to Instagram by Cheryl Strayed, author of the book “Wild”) img_2511
  4. Raise our expectations. This is the hard one. I have had enough therapy to know the pain that can come from having unrealistic expectations. It is really unrealistic to feel we can do better? That we are better than this? Some of you may think me naïve for feeling this way. But you know what I think it makes me?? Pretty f-ing patriotic. I love our country. I happen to already think America is great. And I would argue that the vast majority of Trump supporters would not want to live in another country besides America. But we have a LOT of work to do and it starts with us healing from this NASTY election, remembering what this country stands for, and demanding our politicians and parties to hear us as we figure out how to move forward. So think about what you want – what you stand for – and be sure you ask for it in the future.

We can do better next time – because despite what Trump is threatening – there WILL be a next time.

What’s Going On

Mother, mother
There’s too many of you crying
Brother, brother, brother
There’s far too many of you dying
You know we’ve got to find a way
To bring some lovin’ here today

Father, father
We don’t need to escalate
You see, war is not the answer
For only love can conquer hate
You know we’ve got to find a way
To bring some lovin’ here today

“What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye

I don’t really know what to do or say about the violence I am seeing on TV in my hometown of Charlotte. I am sad, frustrated and scared. I feel a sense of responsibility – a need to do something, and I am not quite sure what to do.

So I am sitting down to reflect, write and share my feelings from the heart in hopes it will help me – and possibly help at least one other person in some way.

I think it is the time for me to be willing to engage in a difficult conversation about race in our country. My heart tells me I have been silent too long, because my white privilege has allowed me to do just that. I grew up in the Charlotte public school system where we were bussed all over the city so that there was a racial mix of students. Though I went to schools that were very racially diverse, I only had one close black friend in high school, Erika, my tennis doubles partner. When we discussed race, I used to say repeatedly to her that the ideal was if we didn’t see color differences.

I felt I wasn’t racist because I didn’t see the world as divided by color, and because I treated her the same as I did my other close friends. All the while, my boyfriend would sing “Brown Sugar” whenever she walked into class while I did nothing to stop or prevent it. I gave same said boyfriend a Confederate flag for his freshman year dorm room. I don’t believe we had bad intent, but looking back now I can take responsibility for our ignorance and insensitivity. Erika tried her best to school me, but I continued on in my ignorant, privileged bliss for many years. I believe that these are examples of “micro transgressions,” a term I learned from my cousin Maria when she shared this reference in a very interesting Facebook thread yesterday. http://sph.umn.edu/site/docs/hewg/microaggressions.pdf

I am not quite sure what to do in order to help bridge the racial divide that is clearly so awful today. I know I am not directly responsible for it, but I want things to be better and want to be part of a solution. I want to be aware of the “micro transgressions” I have made so that I can learn and be a better human. I also want to point out to others when I hear them take place so that I can help others that are willing to learn and be better humans. And I want to speak up when I see instances of outright racism and violence like I have seen in too many videos. “The one thing you can do is not think black people are crazy for feeling oppressed when every time they see a video of themselves being engaged by the police, it ends with them getting shot.” – Trevor Noah from the Daily Show.

I don’t want to be silent and say it is someone else’s problem anymore. This is our problem as a society. I feel I am responsible to do my part – to speak up – and frankly I could use some guidance because I am not quite sure what else to do.

I am not sure what actually happened in Charlotte – hopefully there will be enough video evidence to determine what happened to Keith Lamont Scott. Here is what I do know. It is not ok that unarmed black people are being killed by the police – over and over again. We have seen the videos, and there is no denying them. It is not ok that my friend Erika probably has to teach her beautiful children not only how to drive, but how to not get shot when pulled over by the police, when all I worry about is how many points I just “earned” and how much the speeding ticket is going to be. This is not ok.

I do understand why people feel compelled to protest, and hope and pray that these protests will become peaceful in Charlotte.  Let me make this clear to people who read this with an open mind…When I say that black lives matter, I am not saying that black lives matter more than mine. I am not saying that I support violence as a form of protest. I am saying simply that black lives matter. I will not be silent any longer. “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.” – Elie Wiesel

I continue to be inspired by the family members of the Mother Emmanuel victims here in Charleston. Chris Singleton was 18 when he lost his mother Sharonda Coleman-Singleton, and he tweeted this message today: “I understand the anger, but if you want to get your point across do it the right way. #GodsLove #CharlestonStrong #CantLetMomsDown

My 16 year old niece posted this today on her Facebook page, and I could not agree with her more. She gives me a lot of hope!












bilesWatching the coverage of the Rio Olympics this week has made me feel a lot of things that are typical each time I watch the Olympics. But this time I also felt a whole lot of annoyance at some of the truly stupid things I have heard and read. And when I’m consistently annoyed it usually means something more is going on with me. That kind of annoyance and sometimes anger usually means that something I care deeply about is being threatened or challenged in some way.

  1. While commentating on the women’s gymnastics competition, Al Trautwig, NBC announcer, said Simone Biles was raised by her grandparents “but she calls them Mom and Dad.” When the twitter-verse called him out, he then poured salt in the wound by tweeting that “They may be mom and dad but they are NOT her parents.” He deleted the tweet pretty quickly – and later apologized. And in doing so, I hope that he – and others who have followed this story – have learned from the experience…that words like this undermine what adoption is fundamentally about, and deeply offends adoptive families. According to the AACAP, approximately 120,000 children are adopted in the United States every year. I am certain that each of you reading this knows someone that either was adopted or has adopted a child. I myself seriously considered – and even tried – to adopt a child. I know firsthand how courageous it is for people to choose this path, and I know firsthand how it feels to love children that I did not give birth to. I know firsthand how comments like Trautwig’s hurt.  I find Simon Biles inspiring in so many ways – including the way she handled this in the press by saying “I personally don’t have a comment. My parents are my parents and that’s it.” Drop the mic. Good for you Simon Biles! People can learn a lot from you!
  2. Next, Jim Watson, an NBC commentator, said the women’s gymnastics team “might as well be standing in the middle of a mall” while talking with each other during the women’s team competition. What an utterly asinine and offensive thing to say! Listen up NBC. While I do hope they enjoy earn some money from endorsements so that they can enjoy a trip to the mall at some point…please refrain in the future from making insensitive, offensive, sexist comments about a team of young women who were clearly gathered to compete for an Olympic gold medal. These young women are the VERY BEST in their sport IN THE WORLD and are competing in the freaking Olympics. About to win the gold. For the second time IN A ROW. These women played as a team, and won as a team. They encouraged each other, and excelled together. No my friends – they were not there to shop. They were there to win.
  3. This is one of my favorite headlines of the week: “NBC Blames Women for Late Olympics Broadcast, Extra Commercials” When asked about the rational for not broadcasting the Opening Ceremony live, John Miller, NBC Olympics chief marketing officer, said “The people who watch the Olympics are not particularly sports fans. More women watch the Games than men, and for the women, they’re less interested in the result and more interested in the journey. It’s sort of like the ultimate reality show and mini-series wrapped into one. And to tell the truth, it has been the complaint of a few sports writers. It has not been the complaint of the vast viewing public.” So somehow this is MY fault? That I have to pay for a cable subscription in order to watch my favorite events live online instead of live on TV? Let me be very clear. I will watch the Bachelor when I need my reality TV fix. I AM a sports fan. When I watch the Olympics, I watch for the competition – and am most definitely interested in the result. People – we are the “vast viewing public” and we need to speak up!   By the way, I read that the ratings for the Rio Opening Ceremony were the lowest since 1992. So – let’s learn something here and be better next time, ok?
  4. Geno Auriemma, the women’s basketball coach, keeps being asked if he thinks it’s bad for his sport that the US is so dominant in women’s basketball.Is anyone asking this about men’s swimming?? I, along with a large crowd of people, watched (live on TV I may add) Michael Phelps win his 22nd gold medal last night by winning the 200 IM. All of the coverage since has been positive about the records he is breaking…first to win 4 in a row in his event, first to win 13 individuals golds since Ancient Greece…The Ravens paused their pre-season game to watch this happen! Don’t get me wrong – he absolutely deserves this kind of attention. He’s incredible! But – no one is complaining about his dominance in his sport…no one is commenting about the dominance of men’s basketball…so why is this even a question for women’s basketball? Here is Auriemma’s awesome response (he by the way also coaches women’s basketball at UCONN. As an aforementioned SPORTS FAN, I know he also dominates there as well.) “We live in that Trumpian era where it’s OK to be sexist and degrade people that are good, just because they’re the opposite sex. We are what we are. We’re never going to apologize for being that good. We’re never going to apologize for setting a standard that other people aspire to achieve…These are Olympians. They’re supposed to play at a high level. They’re professionals, they’re supposed to put on a show, they’re supposed to entertain. So, what are we supposed to do? Just go out there and win by a little?  Just like I say at UConn, we’re not bad for women’s basketball. What’s bad for women’s basketball is when nobody’s great, because then you could say, “You know what? I don’t think anybody really knows how to play this game.” I think people will say that there are some really good teams out here and when you see them play each other, they’re great games. Serbia was up 20 the other day and lost to Canada. These are great games. We just happen to be somewhere else right now. That’s okay. I don’t mind.”
  5. There have been comments made that Katie Ledecky swims like a man…and Jim Watson said that Simon Biles “might even go higher than some of them men” on the uneven bars…So I ask the question again – why the comparison to men? Can’t we appreciate their excellence without the unnecessary comparisons? Are men’s sports the standard set for the rest of us to aspire to? I sure hope not.
  6. And finally – 6… Calling Simone Biles the next Usain Bolt or Michael Phelps. What a brilliant response by Biles: “I am not the next Usain Bolt of Michael Phelps. I am the first Simone Biles.”


Athletes like Biles make me so hopeful about our future. She has managed to redirect the media coverage to focus on what is truly important and to disregard the rest. She must have been raised well be her parents😉.

Week 1 is about to end. I sincerely hope that NBC and the rest of the media is listening to the feedback being shared and improves their commentary and coverage.




Joy…and Pain (or rather Pain…and Joy?)

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.

-Brené Brown

As a kid, I remember complaining to my parents about my various aches and pains – and my parents would often say “that’s just growing pains.” Man I didn’t realize back then what they really meant – that growing up is literally painful – not just physically, but emotionally. How do you tell young people what is ahead of them? That becoming an adult is incredibly hard. That change can be excruciating painful. That growth is HARD WORK and no one can do it for you. That each one of us is going to face heartbreak, loss, and hardships that we never thought we would be able to handle. And that even when we get through a tough time, there is going to be another one down the road, and then another, and another.

I think it’s like what some people say about childbirth – that if women actually shared how painful it truly is, no one would choose to be a parent. If children knew how hard it is to enter adulthood, they would likely try to join Peter Pan in Never Never Land where no one grows up!

I remember when one of my best childhood friends lost his best friend in a tragic accident during our freshman year of college. A few short years later, he lost his father to cancer. I remember him telling me the day of his dad’s funeral that maybe his best friend’s death helped him prepare in some way for his father’s. Over 20 years later, what he told me has stayed with me all this time. I have often thought about how strong he was at the young age of 21 to try to cope with his grief by relying on what he had learned about himself during what had previously been the tougest loss he had faced. He taught me something about how to grieve, how to cope with pain, and how to grow.

My friend Erin and I had drinks together this week, and as we often do, we spoke about our lives, our struggles, and the lessons we are trying to learn. I did a terrible job trying to re-tell this wonderful story that teaches a great lesson about overcoming pain. I looked it up later to share with Erin, and decided I wanted to write about it in my blog, so here it is!

I hope that the author Sofo Archon of The Unbounded Spirit blog doesn’t mind if I share his story. His entire blog post can be found here.

The story begins when a young woman who is going through a very painful experience and reaches out to her wise grandmother for help:

“Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil; without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl.

Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, ‘Tell me what you see.’

‘Carrots, eggs, and coffee,’ she replied.

Her grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The grandmother then asked the granddaughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the grandmother asked the granddaughter to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The granddaughter then asked, ‘What does it mean, grandmother?’

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard, and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity? Do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I bitter and tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest, do you elevate yourself to another level?

How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy.

The happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can’t go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so at the end, you’re the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

May we all be like the COFFEE.”

Here are some painful truths.

  • When we live a life where we are open to love (any kind of love – not just romantic love), it is certain that we will experience pain at some point in the future. Not just possible. CERTAIN.
  • We are each responsible for how we cope with that pain, how we grieve, how we heal, how we grow. It is up to each of us to decide if we want to be the carrots, the egg, or the coffee.
  • There is no “pain contest” where anyone wins because their hardships are greater than one another. Who would want to win that anyway?? Each of us has our hardships, and it doesn’t help anyone to try to compare whose burden is greater.

I kind of hate the phrase “Everything happens for a reason” because it is too trite. I rephrase it to say “Everything happens for a reason if we take the time and put in the hark work to make meaning out of our experiences.” Too long to inscribe on a coffee mug, but still true. coffee

My intent is not to bring everyone down with this post – sorry that if it’s a bit intense! My intent is to speak the truth, and to encourage everyone to own your choices. I have not always made the right choices – that is FOR SURE. And you know what – I am CERTAIN that I am going to make more mistakes, and I am certain that I am going to experience more pain and loss in my future.

What I have tried to do is stop being a victim, and to own the decisions I made – or didn’t make – that got me to where I am, so that I learn my lessons and can move on with my life. One of the best compliments I received recently was from a friend who told me I was “wise.” Wisdom is healed pain. It hasn’t been easy – and it has been a lot of work up to this point. I have worked with a therapist/coach for years, and my work is ongoing and never-ending.  And it has been so incredibly worth it.

Just like the grandmother says in this story, when we are like the coffee, we change. We grow. We are able to let go of our heartache and our painful pasts. We are able to heal, and we remain open to love. We have the ability to experience joy. We can be happy with what we have, and we can look forward to a bright future. It won’t be perfect – but it will be ours.

“I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.”

From the poem “Invictus” by William Ernest Henley




The Unforgettable Fire

January 10, 2016

To be sure my head and heart are firmly planted in 2016, I decided to try my “burning ritual” with Jerry this week in order to let go of what weighed me down last year.

Jerry and I sat down to brainstorm about what to burn…it wasn’t too hard to come up with a good list! I am pretty good at figuring out what we need to work on (Jerry is used to this by now – and he’s happy to be along for the ride). It’s doing something about it that is the hard part – that is work.

Here’s the thing. I know that I will continue to struggle with these things this year like I did last year – that is because of my wiring, because of past painful experiences (i.e. baggage), and mostly because I am an actual human being that is most definitely not perfect. And I am certain that more stuff is going to happen in 2016 – and I am sure some of it will be hard – and that some of it will be painful.

Just because I decide that I don’t WANT to feel a certain way doesn’t mean that I can say “poof” and make that feeling disappear. It takes work to process feelings. It takes practice. It takes raising my awareness – getting curious, noticing, acknowledging, and feeling, processing, re-framing, and understanding of my choices – to cope when I am triggered. This is work – and it is work I recommend to anyone who finds oneself constantly negatively reacting to triggers.

This is why I decided on a ritual…I know I can, if only for a moment, remember the feeling of letting go. Combine that with the physical exercise of seeing that trigger turn from a solid piece of paper to ashes in a matter of seconds, and now I have a powerful visual when I need more help.

The hope is that once one of us is triggered, we will remember the paper turning to ash, that we will remember our intention, and channel the “letting go” feeling.


Burning my “co-dependent” & over-fixing tendencies

We are off to a decent start. I found myself triggered almost immediately after publishing my post a few days ago. It was a great test to see if I meant what I said wrote about in that post. Jerry and I were in the car a few days ago when he caught himself – I was delighted when I heard him say – “wait a second – I burned that!” We high-fived each other and moved on with our day instead of getting bogged down in the muck. It won’t always be that easy – but that is why we need to practice. It’s like exercising muscles you never use.

My wise and wonderful friend Kelly recommended The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz to me back in December.

From the Four Agreements:

“Everything we do is based on agreements we have made – agreements with ourselves, with other people, with God, with life. But the most important agreements are the ones we make with ourselves. In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible. One single agreement is not such a problem, but we have many agreements that come from fear, deplete our energy, and diminish our self-worth.”

The Four Agreements are:

  1. Be impeccable with your word
  2. Don’t take anything personally
  3. Don’t make assumptions
  4. Always do your best

I already know #2 and #3 are HUGE challenges to me. They appeared on those pieces of paper that were burned into ash a few days ago.

I am about to dig into this book in hopes that it will help me in my efforts to let things go. More to come!


You say goodbye, I say hello

January 3, 2016

I don’t know about you, but I have been seeking some inspiration and guidance to start my new year off right. It’s 12:15 pm on Sunday and I am still in my pjs, so no, I didn’t start a new diet or an aggressive new workout routine. I am not creating a long list of resolutions that will wane as the year progresses. I am looking for a more meaningful approach – focusing more on a way of being rather those godforsaken SMART goals that ensure I achieve whatever is on my list. Or to remind me when I don’t.

I have closed the door on 2015. Before I jump into 2016, I want to leave some things behind, and letting go is not a great strength of mine.  But I know the best way to make room for the new is to purge the old – whether it’s in my closet or in my heart. I know that it’s much easier to find that perfect blouse when it’s not buried among 4 seasons and 3 sizes of old clothes. Just like I know it is much easier to feel love in the present when it’s not buried in regrets about the past or anxiety/fear of the future. And I know that the best way to find the energy to make this effort to clear out the cobwebs is from a place of love – because love is a renewable energy that not only replenishes on its own, but also multiplies and spreads to others. It’s literally catching!

So to get some help, I perused my favorite blogs (Marc and Angel, and “Momastery” Glennon Doyle Melton) and  listened to some of “The Bloggess” Jenny Lawson’s audio book “Furiously Happy”. I followed my favorite spiritual icons on Facebook and Instagram (Maria Shriver, Brene Brown, Elizabeth Gilbert, Anne Lamott, and Kid President) and I completed reading  “The Shaken Snow Globe”by a new author Kristy Dominiak, who I discovered is practically my neighbor and fellow Notre Dame alum.

My first thought is that I could really use a cool nickname for my blog persona (I am open to suggestions!). Mostly though, I am marinating in some pretty amazing content.  I think that one of the consistent threads throughout my favorite writers is that in order to live an authentic life – one that is open, vulnerable and full of love, it is certain that I will experience pain. Not just possible – certain.  Ouch. And sometimes big time OUCH! I reminded myself that even though I was experiencing pain and sadness due to the issues my family faced last year, that same family has brought me immense joy and happiness. I relied on what was in my heart – and on my faith that I was in the right place – to remain hopeful and quell the anxiety that always plagues me at my low points.

Another result of this “marinating” is that I am reminded that even though life is messy, that there can be joy in even the smallest moments. The important thing is to be present – to pay attention – to notice, and to STOP and soak the joy in. For example, I stopped writing for about 30 minutes so that Eric, my significant other Jerry’s son, could climb in my lap to snuggle for a little while.


This is me and Eric snuggling in my office chair. Jerry caught us snuggling, and as usual, he had his camera ready.

He discovered that my office chair rocks. I have a feeling that this could become a favorite snuggle spot in the future, and I am totally fine with that! It made my day – and had I decided to keep going so I could finish my “task”, I would have missed out on a joyous moment.

So when I think about last year – I want to let go of that anxiety. I want to let go of the paralyzing fear that destroys my self-confidence and clouds my heart. I want to let go of my co-dependent tendency to over-fix and focus on other people’s feelings at the expense of my own. I want to let go of the need to cross things off of lists. I want to let go of the self-criticism that happens when I am not at my best.  I will no longer say “I wish I wasn’t wired this way” when I feel pain. I am who I am because of how I am wired – and you know what? I kind of like myself this way. In fact, I have worked really freaking hard to figure myself out – and I have come to accept that my greatest strength of empathy can also be my greatest weakness if I don’t pay enough attention to myself and my own needs.

Thanks to Liz Gilbert’s post on New Year’s Eve, I am reminded that I do a better job of letting go when I take part in some sort of ritual.  I am writing these things on pieces of paper and burning them one by one so that I can physically see them disappear. That way when I am sure to get triggered at some point in the future, I can remember that visual and allow myself to let that feeling go.

And thanks to Liz Gilbert’s post on New Year’s Day, I started my first Happiness Jar. The idea is to write down the things that happen in your day that made you happy on a piece of paper – they can be small things or big things. Liz says “When I say that happiness is a consequence of personal effort, this is kind of thing I’m talking about. I’m talking about showing up, paying attention to the instances of good fortune in your life, putting a spotlight on the small good things, and creating a body of evidence that you are (on ALL days) brushing up against grace. Look for it, and you’ll find it.”


This is my Happiness Jar.


Moments like this will help fuel me with the energy and love I will need to endure the painful times ahead.

Welcome 2016! Presence is my mantra. My heart, my eyes and my arms are wide open. And PS – Eric is back on my lap, and I am happy.


To All the Girls I’ve Loved Before

Did that get your attention? Now don’t get your hopes up, this post is not a tell-all of my secret past. It is a musing about friendship and what I have learned (and am still learning) about the joys, lessons and power of my female friendships over my almost 44 years.

I have been reflecting about this a lot lately. I used to say that the early twenties are the time when people go through the most change. Now, I am no longer sure that is true…I have been through more change in the last four years of my life that make my early twenties seem easy. Dramatic change can happen at any stage of our life – this I now know firsthand. With so much change, close relationships are bound to change too, ebbing and flowing over the years.

As an adult, I have never been one for large crowds or parties. I actually loathe “networking” because it feels like speed dating. How can I get through three minutes of chit-chat to determine if I have enough in common with this person to use them for job-networking or a potential friendship? Are they going to try to sell my essential oils or something else? Are they trying to get a job at my company? I am just not good at casual relationships – probably because I don’t want to be good at them. I would much rather have great conversation with one or two people than be out in a group of casual acquaintances trying to make a connection of some sort.

So, having close friends has always been important to me. I once said to my friend Maryanne that I collect people.

This is the only picture I have of me and Maryanne. We need to get together Maryanne!

This is the only picture I have of me and Maryanne. We need to get together Maryanne!

Going all the way back to grade school and throughout the various phases of my life, I have “collected” close friends many of which I still connect with today.

Some friendships are as strong as ever with frequent contact. With my local friends, it is fairly easy to regularly get together for lunch, happy hour and an occasional night out. With many of my long distance friends, we meet up for a girls weekend once a year or two, grab dinner when in town, and keep up over Facebook, texts and an occasional phone call. Just this morning, my friends Mary, Beth and I exchanged a few texts about a very hilarious memory we share – a perfect way to start our Sundays with a good laugh.

Me, Beth and Mary at our most recent girls weekend at Beth's cabin, "Lazy Bear"

Me, Beth and Mary at our most recent girls weekend at Beth’s cabin, “Lazy Bear”

Some friendships are strong with infrequent contact. These are the kinds of friends that I may not speak to for many months at a time, but can pick up like it was yesterday. There are no apologies for any lapse, just joy that the connection is still authentic and worthwhile. My friend Megan moved away over a year ago, and she has 2 small children. We are literally having a conversation over a few months via voicemail, texts and Facebook, trying to plan my visit next month. I miss being involved in each other’s daily lives, but I know in my heart (and I hope she knows in hers) that I would be there in an instant if she needed me. Many of my friends fall into this category, and I am so blessed to know we can count on each other to share a joy or a sorrow when we need each other.

Megan and Me at a rally for Elizabeth Colbert-Bush.

Megan and Me at a rally for Elizabeth Colbert-Bush.

Going through so much in recent years, I have grown as a person, and though I have changed, I feel I am more “me” than ever. I know myself a little better, and because I have a very full life with family, friends and career – I am a lot more discerning about where I place my time and energy. I have realized that as I get older, I have less in common “on paper” with my older friendships. Most if not all have never divorced. Most if not all have kids. Some put their careers on hold to take care of their children. I am divorced and never had my own children. I was single for several years as a 40-something, and have been very focused on my career. I am now building a family with my significant other and his wonderful children. One of these things is not like the others…and that thing is usually me!

This means that my friends and I have had to make an effort despite our differences. For most of my friendships we have figured this out. I think one of the keys is that we stay connected through the special memories that we share, and we keep making new ones when we have the chance. We collect more stories to laugh about and share the  next time we see each other…which leads to more stories and so on, and so on.

Another key I think is the respect we have for each other. None of us has walked in the other’s shoes, so it is incredibly important that we reserve judgement and notice, accept and appreciate both our differences and our commonalities.

Finally, we give each other the space to change. When my life was more simple a few years ago, I had more time to be “Auntie Laurie” to my friends kids. I remembered their birthdays and holidays and would send gifts and cards. As they have continued to “multiply” and now I that have my new blended family, I am barely getting out a like on their Facebook or Instagram pages when I see I missed a child’s birthday. I trust that they know how much I still love them and their children – and that I will bring presents when I visit! As my nephew Joseph teases me, he and they are “still in the circle” – I am just redefining what happens in the circle because I know my limitations.

Any effort I put in to these kind of friendships comes back to me many times over. I truly cherish these women, and know that I am a better person because of them.

For all of these women who have had a place in my heart over the years, I am grateful.

I’ve heard it said

That people come into our lives for a reason

Bringing something we must learn

And we are led

To those who help us most, to grow

If we let them

And we help them in return

Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true

But I know I’m who I am today

Because I knew you…

Like a comet pulled from orbit

As it passes the sun

Like a stream that meets a boulder

Halfway through the wood

Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?

But because I knew you

I have been changed for good

-”For Good”, WICKED